I hav a headache.
A spiritual one.
I have been groaning and griping in my mind, coming to no less uncertain terms with myself and my current position.
And I am not happy.
Everything that I'm proud of, everything I consider myself half-decent at doing.
They're not my abilities. They're not by trademark, my standout. They're all his castdowns.
Frankly put, I'm lousier at everything then him.
Everything.
They call me to step out of his shadow, make a name for myself. Sports, music, studies, personality, gait, language.
It's because of him I adapt to everybody's own individual personality, catering to their individual pleasure. All to make them happy, All to make him happy.
I absolutely loathe that word.
That convenient word that describes everything, describes every emotion, every train of thought.
I'll call them bloody fools who use it as a damn smokescreen to hide insecurities, past or present.
My thoughts are heading in a downward spiral, human emotion, I call it.
Bit hard to get away from it.
Thus, I don't know.
Oh my God, how I wish to let lose everything on that person.
Soon perhaps.
It's biting my soul.
Again to my former part, I'm so incredibly sombre right now.
What the hell can i possibly do?
I feel like 18 going on 42 and remaining in 13.
This is the pits.
But I can't go any further.
I'll be damn judged.
How incredibly ironic this is.
While I cleverly twist my stories into something for people to judge, the real truth is behind that letterbox, fighting like a sabretooth with bees in his pants.
I'd wouldn't bother at answering anybody's questions, or reasoning my reader-perceived lack of common sense.
For what it's worth I'd better get my purpose real soon, and the Bible can only help so much when I struggle through it on my own.
What use is the Bible anyway?
I can't understand his mysteries, it's telling me what not to do, that I already know So much.
I've read the whole good book. So what now?
How can I get to know the answers to life?
Outsourcing?
And as I type my jealously-ridden brain condenms another person.
How incredibly naive and ironic.
How cliched.
So what now?
God?
My faith seems diminished.
Yet I always know, he'll turn good.
I'd rather wish I was matyred, should be quick and simple though. Painless would be ideal.
I could say I want to do something to let it out, like cry or laugh or scream or whatever makes ME happy.
But wouldn't it be severe?
Minds judge and ponder and interweave menecingly, Isn't it just the immature thing to do.
Or is it? Cantering to the tune of popular culture and following the crowd is easy and painless.
What attempts to be different or be unlike others who certain people mock, to be jutted it to be good at something. Attempts.. All merely a tightrope of attempts, all of which certain loopholes are bound to appear.
My personal attempts at being such lead to mocking at insidising to unloved and supposedly lower class.
Supposedly, everything is supposedly, perceive perceivement, how tremendously juvenile it all sounds. Psychology, the study of the human mind, perceivement, how everything is perceived.
How incredibly thought-provoking.
For we try to comprehend each other and make fancy names for behaviours and emotions, leave us vexed and coming up with a new word. Unpredictable.
It's all so nicely put, laid on a platter for us to swallow.
Isn't it fine and dandy that the good book has a answer to that as well, peace trancends all understanding.
Oh, how the magnitude of the words strike us.
Trancends, understanding.
Great thinkers, normal thinkers, to the resident dunce (They're smarter then they look)
ALL..
But this short essay, this attempt at understanding all that, what you see above and below comes from me. A 18 year old student.
How then can maturity come into the picture, how then can life be perceived?
From what possible angles can all this and that be slowly dissected and meticulously checked again and again until we find a suitable answer?
My answer to everything is the Bible. The good book.
Oh my word. I really hope people actually read this, I'm tired of reasoning with myself with a fancy word. This is the first I written that is terribly straightforward albeit in circles.
How lovely.
Isn't it atypical of humans?
There some verse in the good book saying about the explosion of knowledge, comprehension of the human mind. The boundaries of its limits and while I ponder that.
I'm just a stupid stupid little boy.