Do you know how when its cool. (In Singapore)
how your clothes seem to fit
and everything feels right.
and the crinkle of the gravel feels almost like a symphony.
Or the touch of a pillar feels alien.

Good evening,
Thats right.
I'm going to um... do something.

Now it all starts with a good start,
then it continues with a ..

Okay, I shall begin.

Now there once was a placid wolf,
His name was Bolf
he was greyish brown due to a diabetic hereditary tree.
Most wolves are grey if you did not know.

I'd call him placid cos' he was indeed.
He would sit and wait for dinner.
He would sit and wait for lunch.
He would sit and wait for breakfast.
He would sit and wait for tea.

You get the idea.
Why he was placid nobody knew.
He never seemed hungry or angry.
or moving, for that matter.

So Piteous Pete,
a raccoon (who let me add are mistaken for bandits)
hence the name, I also add,
enquired of Bolf of his curious condition.

"Bolf!" he cried in a voice-oh-so-pity
"Come down thee hither this I plea"
Bolf lumbered down, he was really quite big
His hind legs some said, were kangaroo's feet.

Pete was grey, as I recall.
He was small with black eyes
and grey with white spots

Now diddely di, before i forget
Theres one more character we havent quite met
He was a minstral
no, she was a minstral,
after all, all stories need one or twine girls, yes girls.

A minstral would sing, and dance and rhyme
Sometimes she'll do the occasional mime.
She was quite good at getting two winks
Although she'd rather to get wide grins.

Now If you'll see my next line, You'll find me quite bold
For I've have rhymed and none will uphold
To the the rhyme of this word,
I would say so,
Orange.

However, you must forgive my broken rhyme,
for it is not my fault this minstral was Orange.
and she bore a harp made of umm, wood.

Anyway, let me continue on this story.

Bolf, Pete and Orange was sitting downriver,
having a cuppa, or milk from a raindeer.
Its really unthinkable when one does as such,
but lets not digress, For Bolf needs his brunch.

"Banter and Banter!" so starts Bolf with relish.
"Squabble and squabble!" his blue eyes a-twinkled.
"Swish and a Swash!" his shoes came loose.
"Ooh!" Bolf said, as he spotted a moose.
and ran after it.


Pete and Orange stared at each other,
one feeling silly, other felt bother,
"there is no meaning!" said one to another
"Our author's a nitwit" said Pete.
"and he can't rhyme for nuts" said Orange.

Done.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtGF2m102Wg

Here are some very good singers.
With a very nice song.

Thats right.
Its very good.

So a flick of the fingers, twinkle of the eye, swish of the instep and incline of the bow.

hmm.
What is heck is that?
Well, I wrote it, surely I should know. I get these morosings where I think everything must go slowly and surely.

I haven't quite found the balance in the way I want to behave, I tend to go off the high rocker, or dwindle in the low end.
It's quite intriguing really, to see myself in these different situations.
And also how I tend to revert to the "closedup" self in tense situations.
Well, I think that only proves so much about myself.

So I'm getting busy now, (as I've always been), yet I seem comatose at times, I do wish to do more, in my work and my life.
It's Tuesday again, which is nice.

Hm, that seemed airy fairy.

Well well, enough said. Bit hard to regurgitate myself.

Thank God my performance is over, I have got time to do stuff, again.

I
I
I

thats not good.

My Life isn't that bad.
It's pretty good actually.

today drumming was fun.

Ah well,
until my other self reappears.

wee

eeuw

cheers.

i just read my previous post and i got so angry with the writer.

Me.

How odd.
I seem at times 2 totally different people.

One who occasionally practically bombs fire and brimstone
then the next laidback person who solves everything.

I need to go to service.
I gotta stop playing and playing for every band that comes along.

I am,

A fool, gullible and naive. Pretentious and parched.
Silly and small headed, pathetic and injusticed.

How silly isn't it?
To say that of myself.

So why do I do it? Why can't I be like Clement?

It seems surprising when my usual self gets irritated of this kind of people.
When "this kind of people" is myself in the night.

Why do I do good? It will all be meaningless. Wisdom is no different from foolishness, no happiness can be gained eventually.

Last month, I received word that this (July) would be a very trying month and I was not to clown around.

It's unbelievably true and I cant wait for this month to end.

Is it not then a chasing after the wind?

I did well for my performance today. So I got thanks and a reasonably fun time, yet I feel empty.

I need service, anyway, i use such bumbling words.
Empty, bah, that sounds like a word used by every teenager Tom Dick and Harry. They offer me nothing.

Oh Christ, help me.

Ms Chay replied.
Its alright.

I have a performance at Roland Restaurant later.
It's eating my heart out.
On any normal sunday I play the keyboards and drums easily.

thats right, I'm nervous.

Even though the songs are so darn easy.

people are nice to me

Thanks for Bart, and thanks to element92 waha

very nice rain today, soft and pleasant.

Very fun table tennis today.

I like surprises, I adore em.

How nice.

its time to sleep, I have time to sleep
how nice:)

I'm not much of a musician after all.
That stinks.

All my playing is based on a deceptive facade that doesn't reflect anything except Clement.

Only when I play drums then I do express myself somewhat.
Pity I'm not a musician when I'm drumming.

What use is a drummer who cant keep time? or beats?

Here it blows again.
I try, I treat people nice.
I put oh-so-lovely images in their mind.

And it all comes to naught.

this is rubbish,

compassion and kindness and stepping into people's shoes is no use in the bloody corporate world.
only for a few it is.

Great thing that I learnt it in school

well this just in..
how lovely isn't it? (Thats right it reeks with sacarsm)

Yesterday my impression on the MR teacher dropped 2.2 billion percent
Today my impression on my CEM teacher dropped 2.1 billion percent.

And the bloody implications are all there,
I need to see her privately.


This is soddy, after all I've been trying to.
Looke here, all the heads get all the marks.

Silly ol me who was late for the first bloody lesson will get freakin nothing.

ARGH

no offence to liverpool fans of any sort :)

This jolly bloody oxymoronic stinks

I bloody screwed up my Media Relations press conference.
I dont know what to say.

I'm just totally screwed in every way, even all the other angles are screwed.

Damn u Dr Sim.

I love my event
I love my class

i would be devastated if my event was to be cancelled.
Screw the workload
i wanna see my efforts payt off.


come on national musuem!

Like all proper news feed.
I'll end with a silly animal story, a silly people story.

Its the LATTER.. PLEASE.

Oh thats me, figure out who la, with Eug and Clem

So have I changed at all?
Have I learned anything?


Do I still act the same or do I do something else.
I'm not drastic.
People generally like me.

So.. what do I do now?


(besides praying)

I dont like my blog to end with a JC word or my plea to up there.

So hence this posts ends this loop.

My thoughts are just pasted all over my recent posts.
Its a bit messy I gather
I havent read any of them

So its just my thoughts.

If you dont like them (man even I dont like them)
Well, you're either from my family or u can just go away.


Hoo hah.

MANUTD!

my last post was shallow.

yet not too shallow.

Fortunately, I know where all my answers lie.
In God, Jesus Christ.

I need to go back to service, I'm playing in too many services.

I need to go back and hear that small still voice that makes everything alright which I cannot hear now.

God, i have asked seeked and knocked, I have a consious need of my crippling disability,
God help me.

So i left my PKC thoughts standing.

hmm

where do I start.

I'm not comfortable in PKC.
yet I am.

Its not what you'll call complicated, People cannot explain it, but they get the feeling.

After seeing the loops, i wish I were more recognized and popular.
This probably stems from being in the bloody shadow all the time. So I'm probably smarter than you think (i keep reaffirming this because I have written what I have grown to hate)
the seniors help the juniors, that is to be expected.
The seniors are a pioneer bunch, they deserve respect.
so who's the guy in the middle?
me.
I'm just there.

Thats it, I wish I was more popular

So i stand on the sidelines.
I see all the people that is in my life?

Why people?

My friends, was friends and is friends.
I see those that has lasted long, those that hasnt lasted, those that i am acquainted with and those that are gone.

Why do my friends do certain things?
Why does the person I talk to now have a philsophical nickname?
Does it mean anything at all?
Do they follow the philisophy?

Why when wisdom is meaningless? Friends are a joy! they are a blessing! they're purpose is undoubted.
Yet they are temporary, so they too are meaningless, a chasing after the wind (yes i took that from the bible)

I've just typed all this in one go.
Even I think I'm a really unhappy person.

I dont quite think so.
I'm usually very cheerful around people.

Yet. well I said it b4.

Ah.. the ramblings of a fool.

Silly silly perception where people take everything too seriously.

I heard all the reasons, all the reasonings, all the excuses.

Its all the same.

Is life unfair?
I think not.

Yet, i think deep and then again life seems unfair.
Then i go deeper and life is fair.

Oh God help me.
all my smiles, my laughter are true and genuine.

Yet they are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
What that is truly important, that means more to me than anything remains elusive.

So what do I do?

Wisdom is meaningless, so is foolishness.
Where do I go?
Do i go on with life knowing that I would live in a reasonably comfortable lifestyle with a few milestones littered about and a few setbacks I probably can handle?
But isn't that pointless?

After experiencing all that childhood and inferioity complexes and coming out KNOWING, what comes next?
What is my purpose?
I haven't seen God in ages.
so what if I bloody know

They say lean on him.
lean on WHO?

I need compliments.

Since I've been young, I've been living in my brother's shadow.
He was always, the smart one, the atheltic one, the brainy one, the kind one, the talented one and the wise one.

I was always "clement's brother".

Now that isn't very nice.
When i was in primary school, I hung out with his friends, i had none my own.
I inherited his interests, whenever I did have an interest and he'd disapprove Id stop it.
Therefore, I have no differences from my brother. in terms of interests.

I inherited his gait, his style. It didnt suit me. I was the anamoly, nic fit right in, I didnt.
Both my brothers used to insult my friends, I was always compassionate and befriended the one with no friends.
They teased them, I defended them, they teased me.

I was the unsporty one, the one with a bit of bulge. I was made fun of, I get so many comparisions (most unintentionally) to my brother that I became very self conscious.
I wasn't very perceptive back then and I was fooled.
I thought the people were my friends, none of them were. They were his friends.
I thought I liked this, I didnt, he did.

Does every family need a black sheep?
God, I became one in this perfect family.
Clem became successful in everything he did, quite literally.
Nic became exceptionally talented in sports and got into all the best schools.

I was just Reuben. Who looked ordinary, spoke ordinarily, had all the bad habits, got into trouble, failed all his secondary school exams and didnt have much friends.

How utterly depressing.
I just wanted someone to treat me apart from my older brother.

Well, I wasn't very smart back then if you havent noticed by now.

I used to think, family background, growing up doesn't affect me.
I come from the perfecto family!
My dad's hardworking and honest.
My mum's a pastor for goodness sake and has a degree in early childhood education.
My brothers are good.

So I was wrong, it did affect me.
Now when I comprehend my life's past I see that everything that happened has affected me.
My attitude towards life is that of learning, and gaining knowledge, I hold an air of arrogance because of my family. We were perfect, because I just wanted to be better than that other man.
Better than someone.
I have acheived a lot in school.
But its no use, my family does not see me in my setting.

Well, all that coupled with a lot of compassion.
Both my brothers frequently speak unkindly of their friends.

I always defend, I see the ones that cannot stand up for themselves and I do it for them.
I see the ones that need lifting up and lift them.
I see the ones that need dominance and I let them.

All THIS, while I stand there and REALISE.
How tiring. Yet, I have been always doing that!
I have been defending Philemon forever, defending everybody and lifting them up for ages.

I have always placed positive perceptions of some people in other people's minds because they are my friends.
I have always spoke good about the good inside people and how they actually meant well.
I have always asked for trust and love to be spread aroung (indirectly)

Is it not true?
I look back and it is?

Yet, I am the one with the shoddy grades, bad habits and terrible looks. That is why I don't think very highly of myself.

So ALL this?

All this, all that I've written has been stupid?
God, if my brother ever sees this post I'll die.


SO all this. is for what?

I have been playing in my band for 4 years.
4 years.

I play the keyboard, and the drums (sometimes)
I tinker with the guitar and bass on occasion.

I'm always quite on time, preparing my instruments, catering to the singer's requests, playing my best and packing up. (about 90% of the time)

Yet.

You have to realise that I understand what my problem is, I don't need you to tell me what my problem is.
You also have to know I know how to solve the problem because I have gave advice on how to do it.

Yet.

I cannot.

argh, how weak.
Infantile bloody pathetic self. capable of nothing, am the stupid pitfall of the band, the one nobody really cares about but its just nice to have around because he makes things decent, what a soddy ass whose too ignorant of his own ability to do what people want and get noticed.

I typed that by imagining what would I say if another person typed my feelings.

Hmm..

As you can see, that sucks.
I am a fool.

I can see all this, yet I do nothing.

I should have joined the band 2 years later.
I'll know so much more.
But thats a silly lazy excuse.
By God I hope Nicholas doesn't make the same mistake I did.

His respect for me is diminishing.

startin with clem theres this loop where the senior people are all airing laundry.

well, clean or otherwise.

It's good isnt it? Communication and all that teaching notes I did on that comes to mind.
Communication builds a strong team, encourages teamwork, strengthens after-team effect and yada on.

Well, when i first saw phil's pour-my-heart one thing I was disappointed.
I knew immediately that one of these days I would be angry at him for sending that email.
It seems I abhored speaking out-of-turn.

That proves I do hate change. which is not good.

Both Grace's and SW's reaction were predictable, both agreed, appaluded and both were happy happy that our band was communicating... and laughed at Phil.
I am concerned because I foresee something wrong if the older members do not take people like Philemon or Philip seriously.
I do feel an emotional attachment to both of them. For very obvious reasons.

Well, of course I realise their reaction but I think I'm devil's advocate in the group.
Which sucks, that role I see myself in. which sucks cause I'm normally not in all the other groups.

the band is weird, i want to send a long sappy email but I can't

It seems I limit myself on purpose so people like Clement and Philemon are seen in a more positive light. After, if Reuben is so utterly "cold", people will appreciate Clement and Philemon more.

Yes, I know its freakin darn stupid, thats why I think of myself as one of the nicest people around. I degrade myself so other people are lifted.

It sounds untrue, I agree.
Its not a very good philisophy too, but I do that whenever Clement's around, which is my stronghold, my weakness in that sense. It's almost natural.

You know, if someone else would write this I would have lambasted on their inability to get something up from themselves. But as I write this, I realise that I love, respect and care for people like Clem and Phil to the extent of placing myself below so they can be exalted.


How childish, How simpleminded, how ignorant, how pathetic.

Yet... I do that, naturally.

Why?

dum dum dum.

I went jamming that day and was jamming today.
In Encore! studios and some church.


So contast. Studio one was fun cause they all largely average
No, I m not being mean but, it's true.

Church one was mad.


"what key?"
"Gm"
"okay"

JAM.

damn cool man.

I have no more interest in the normal people.
I have nothing more to learn from your behaviour, mannerisms and actions.

You indeed fulfill your namesake, normal.

Do I thank you?
Heck no, you probably didn't know.

Its the other people that grab my attention,
and one particular heart wrenching one.

Im tired.
I had so many practices today.

It's so HARD to play the acoutic drums.
Electric so much easier.

Someone by me an electric one.

I just want to sit and know God, you know?

I should be a pastor.

haha. i just saw the irony.
Where I complain that my music sucks.
And then say I played like a pro keyboardist.

That cant be about my skill anymore can it..
its mindset and that thinking thing yeahh.

Im supposedly going jamming on friday.. If..

Right.
I had practice, and there was this professional bassist.

So we played Israel Houghton's Still Standing.

He gave me a SCORE and said "k, you play this"

It was hard but really fun. Satisfying when I could get it right.

I felt like a professional keyboardist. It was REALLY hard. I never read scores to play keyboards.
SO it was a milestone of sorts, I felt really good. THe music we produced could be radio standard.

Yeah, get the idea in your head, it was really hard and really really satisfying... and fun.

So excited me goes around telling people yea?
"wah eh yesterday I play....."

Long story....

So my responses from all my DEAR friends, like people from business sch " oh, good for you then"
ARGH, so irritating.. So Valencia-like... Phoebe-like too

Where can I let loose my music passions on?!

Sigh... well, I got some of it away when talking to Phil on the phone. We're gonna try the song this Sunday.
BUt otherwise, ARGH... someone... understand what I'm saying! Understand the difference between a major and minor 7th!
Some one I have constant interaction would be nice.

But... I'm being selfish aren't I.



Anyway, I want to go to this speakers forum tomorrow, always admired anchors and all that.
Now I called a few people to come along.
Well they all couldn't go. Only Kenny gave me a decent enough reason and respected me enough to dignify me with a answer.
Yo bro, I'm glad I'm going to Cebu with you (Please)...
hoo hah

Otherwise, got a bit disappointed with the other lacklustre replies. It was, I'm busy, or I obviously right now am too busy to talk to you, or I dont really wanna talk to you.

It is a bit disappointing that the phrase going that poly friends come and go comes to past. It is true isnt it? Friends* like Val don't quite hit nowadays GREAT friend standard, let alone pass the friend standard.
It is a pity when I cannot call them my friend.
I could la.. but that would be lying in a sense.

I don't display my thinkings out loud of course, Its dangerous.

Of course, I cannot judge that easily.

I do hope Calvin gets better. judging from his saddened BLOG. yes, I havent talked to him much, i still share a soft spot for him.

Otherwise, before I think on hindsight again, I wonder how many friends I am going to keep after Poly.
Probably the best would be the soccer playing ones, like Liverpudians.

It wouldn't be much. Which is a terrible pity... although good friends are hard to come by.

I'd suppose I have to get on with it. I have done my part by contacting them, so yeah. i cant contact everybody.

It is a fundamental thing.


All in all, I have named names, and I would like to get back to previous times. But it's getting harder nowadays, picking your friends means picking ones that actually pick you.
Or else, you're more a maid and posse better than anything else.

Pity.

Well, not really.

Well yes really.

Wait, i havent got someone to go to the forum with me.

darno i really do like my friends.

I wonder that if I get a girlfriend all my friends will go away.

I havent seen Hw, Sher, Eug, Nix, Ger, Cle, in the longest time.

my music is based on a deceptive facade.
I can't really play good music.

Terribly low self-esteem.

That cant be good.

thats right
My computers need cleanups.

Today I stood up for once and it was fun and nice.
Reactions were very predictable, it was a nice change though.

oh well, no grudges n all that rubbish then.

Today I played tennis, yeah. Im not very good, but I played alright.

hmm.

I really want to finish my reflection journals.

Ho Wei - 14/04/89
PKC, TP, BUS
Reuben's Blog

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