I need compliments.
Since I've been young, I've been living in my brother's shadow.
He was always, the smart one, the atheltic one, the brainy one, the kind one, the talented one and the wise one.
I was always "clement's brother".
Now that isn't very nice.
When i was in primary school, I hung out with his friends, i had none my own.
I inherited his interests, whenever I did have an interest and he'd disapprove Id stop it.
Therefore, I have no differences from my brother. in terms of interests.
I inherited his gait, his style. It didnt suit me. I was the anamoly, nic fit right in, I didnt.
Both my brothers used to insult my friends, I was always compassionate and befriended the one with no friends.
They teased them, I defended them, they teased me.
I was the unsporty one, the one with a bit of bulge. I was made fun of, I get so many comparisions (most unintentionally) to my brother that I became very self conscious.
I wasn't very perceptive back then and I was fooled.
I thought the people were my friends, none of them were. They were his friends.
I thought I liked this, I didnt, he did.
Does every family need a black sheep?
God, I became one in this perfect family.
Clem became successful in everything he did, quite literally.
Nic became exceptionally talented in sports and got into all the best schools.
I was just Reuben. Who looked ordinary, spoke ordinarily, had all the bad habits, got into trouble, failed all his secondary school exams and didnt have much friends.
How utterly depressing.
I just wanted someone to treat me apart from my older brother.
Well, I wasn't very smart back then if you havent noticed by now.
I used to think, family background, growing up doesn't affect me.
I come from the perfecto family!
My dad's hardworking and honest.
My mum's a pastor for goodness sake and has a degree in early childhood education.
My brothers are good.
So I was wrong, it did affect me.
Now when I comprehend my life's past I see that everything that happened has affected me.
My attitude towards life is that of learning, and gaining knowledge, I hold an air of arrogance because of my family. We were perfect, because I just wanted to be better than that other man.
Better than someone.
I have acheived a lot in school.
But its no use, my family does not see me in my setting.
Well, all that coupled with a lot of compassion.
Both my brothers frequently speak unkindly of their friends.
I always defend, I see the ones that cannot stand up for themselves and I do it for them.
I see the ones that need lifting up and lift them.
I see the ones that need dominance and I let them.
All THIS, while I stand there and REALISE.
How tiring. Yet, I have been always doing that!
I have been defending Philemon forever, defending everybody and lifting them up for ages.
I have always placed positive perceptions of some people in other people's minds because they are my friends.
I have always spoke good about the good inside people and how they actually meant well.
I have always asked for trust and love to be spread aroung (indirectly)
Is it not true?
I look back and it is?
Yet, I am the one with the shoddy grades, bad habits and terrible looks. That is why I don't think very highly of myself.
So ALL this?
All this, all that I've written has been stupid?
God, if my brother ever sees this post I'll die.
SO all this. is for what?