What am I getting to?
I'm a sometimes wreck.
I sat in the bus just now and thought to myself "how miserable I am"
I have never said those words, never thought them either.
Whats wrong with me?
I'm getting bored with a lot of things, I went to orchard and saw people and they all seem so pointless.
I went to church today, I really want to drum, but that can't be the reason right?
I taught today, it went not so good I think but alright.
Then in the middle of teaching I got bored again.
Can these young people ever want to grow in Christ?
I know how they feel.
I was one of them.
Bored, unmotivated, mind occupied with other things.
What makes me think I can change them?
I went to play LAN later, reluctantly, I had time to kill.
I didn't want to, I thought maybe I could go back to church to pray.
But both were pointless, I feel that everytime I do the Christian thing, nothing happens.
I do not feel the peace that surpasses all understanding,
I do not feel joy.
I have taught on joy.
I feel like a hypocrite.
I have felt joy.
How can I evangalise and teach if I'm so spritually starved?
I have no idea where to feed myself.
Perhaps its me. I do not have the patience to wait on God.
I try, haven't I God?
I really want to spend time with AhMa, she's a non-christian and it will take a miracle for her to be saved. I really want her to.
But why do I feel in the wilderness?
It seems like I'm wandering around in the wilderness, occasionally finding some puddle of water just enough to sustain me a little bit longer.
I'm starting to give up.
Oh Lord, if you love us so then why?
I'm starting to turn away.
Do something!
I suppose people will tell me all the usuals.
I'm beginning to seek solace in friends.
I message and pester tons of my friends.
Like I need some kind of acceptance somewhere.
Those who I know will give me that acceptance, I stop messaging.
Its like I just keep craving more and new.
Its terrible.
Perhaps I am going through some wilderness.
When will I get out?
I want to just curl up in some corner and do the things I like.
Even then, I have tried that, with my mind guiding me still, is still pointless.
I doubt even my own honesty now,
my vice I absolutely hate but cannot escape.
Lord,
help.
I need you more than anything now.
I don't know where to find you, or the lovely Christian feelings I used to get.
In fact I don't want that.
I want that living water that you said we could find but I can't get within a thousand miles of.
I'm embarrassed, my feelings an open book.
But what the heck,
soon, when I get out, I will look back and praise his name.
Soul, awaken yourself and praise !
Spirit, arise and make music to the Lord!